Hedonistic Egoism is a hedonistic version of egoism, the theory that we should, morally speaking, do whatever is most in our own interests. Hedonistic Egoism is the theory that we ought, morally speaking, to do whatever makes us happiest – that is whatever provides us with the most net pleasure after pain is subtracted. The most repugnant feature of this theory is that one never has to ascribe any value whatsoever to the consequences for anyone other than oneself. This sounds like me from high school, but I was on lesser scale. After John died, I just went on a manic "live life to the fullest" spree. no matter what. I was constantly looking for that thrill, that excitement. I never stole anything or killed anyone or anything THAT extreme. But I partied incessantly and in places where I could easily have been caught and gotten in tons of trouble. Anywhere, any place. I was all about the moment. and I let go of pain in a way I didn't know I could. It was still present, but instead of hurting it fed my new obsession to be "free." free from pain and stress and obligations and worries for others. I only looked for my own happiness, regardless of other's suffering. I use to toy with people, specifically guys, for my own amusement. my own empowerment. People deal with grief in different ways and death can change people. This is what happened to me. Thankfully, I grew out of this in 2 or 3 years. Now in college, I rarely really party. Im lucid of my actions on others and I've been with the same man for almost 3 years. Funny how drastically people can change in a relatively short time..

its been a while since I’ve actually written anything. Not because I haven’t had anything to write, but rather it’s because I’ve just felt the need to hold it off, do something more productive. Like read or lay by the pool or other random not-really-that-productive things. However, this morning, the notion popped into my head that if I kept denying myself the urge to write, the urge would eventually cease coming altogether. And that in itself was motivation enough to come back to this site and begin pouring my collection of thoughts into this silly white box. I can’t profess that the thoughts I’ve been having are any remotely new. Just the same ones I’ve been writing and thinking about for years, still ricocheting about inside my head. Most of them dealing with time and my usage of it, or the usages my loved ones make of it. I’ve always pondered what exactly happened to me that made me so fixated on the incredibly finiteness of time and life. I suppose it was experiencing the earthquake death causes at a young age. Or perhaps I have always been a little hyper-aware that the clock was incessantly ticking. Regardless of the cause, it still riddles and nags my brain. I am now 18 and an upcoming sophomore into college. Friends of mine have graduated college altogether now. Both my parents are considered senior citizens and other peers in my life are actually going out into the world and seriously joining the work force. Could this really be growing up? Has it come so quickly? While others brush this off as a simple juncture of life, I obsess over it. I have woken up in the morning and felt my heart drop at the thought that my parents are that much older and that much closer to no longer being a part of my life. That even my life is that much closer (though not close at all) to ending. I also cannot deny that this sounds a bit like an existential crisis such as the one I mentioned in a previous post that Ben Gibbard seemed to be dealing with. But, at a second thought who really hasn’t experienced an existential crisis at some point, even if it was just for a fluttering second. You’re heart drops at the realization that time is finite and with that so is life. I always had a difficult time describing the way I felt until my honors 11th grade British literature class, which was really more a joke than a class. We learned very little in that course, but we did have one project over existentialist authors. Throughout this project, I learned the meaning of existentialism. A rough definition of Existentialism is that it is a philosophy that states death is imminent and the most important thing is to give your own life meaning. So curt that definition seems. You will die and you must find meaning for your own life. I guess that why many people have these so-called existential crisis. I don’t think I am currently experiencing one of these. I’m not sad or anything like that. I can only describe myself as being incredibly aware that time is fleeting, and as I get older it seems to progress even more quickly. Darn that relativity of time I guess. All seriousness aside, this is really just something I find extremely interesting and thought-provoking. And what better thing is there to write about than that? :)

like the individual formation of self is probably the single most important step in a person’s life. Sure, we all do the conforming to other’s expectations thing when wanting to formulate a good impression. But, deep down most still have their own individual tastes and preferences. I respect that in a person. I also respect passion and initiative. I think that those are probably the three most important attributes a person can posses. Individualism, passion, and initiative. It seems to me, that with those, you’re pretty much set for life. Does this seem like a random post, or is it just me? Blame it on all the free time and indie romance movies I’ve been watching.

But, it was really over when all you guys left me here.
the friendships we had,
they dissipated the moment all of you graduated.

I keep thinking about how this style of living I have is about to cease
but I think it already did that two years ago.
I feel like a lesser version of myself know.
and somehow, less intelligent.

whether it was being particularly knowledgeable on underground music and movies
or conversing about the newest scientific theories
contemplating life through small msn boxes where we no longer seem to be people
but are simply the font that pops up on the screen.
there was always some sort of purpose to stay on top of myself.
to keep challenging my mind and the way I projected myself.

when you left there was no longer that type of challenging stimulation anymore.
everyone else here was generic.
following the paths that had been layed out for them without question.
so conformly.
you're class was by far the most diverse and intelligent to have gone through DCHS in years.

I use to think I had been in the wrong class.
the wrong age.
the wrong life.

I still think that sometimes.
there was nothing left for me here.
so I changed.
One of you wrote a letter about the transformations I was undergoing.
and even though most of it was written in resentment and for a means of manipulation.
you were right when you pointed out the many changes I had undergone.

but looking back.
didn't we all?

from long haired skater boys who didnt know what faith even consisted of
to a Jesus Freaks with binders on denying yourselves the questions that aroused.

from chubby nerds with unrealistic obsessions and unquenchable desires of acceptance and superiority
to spiteful, resentful, over sexed and attention driven jokes.

from a skater boy christian who despised drugs, infidelity, and fooling around. Who never questioned the existence of God
to a cheating pot head who lost all ambition and faith.


I guess even if these people had stayed in my life.
they wouldn't be the people I once knew
and worked so hard to impress.

I just have withdrawls from the life I use to have.
how fresh and exciting everything was.
I once described it as a "winded feeling"
and that's what it is

when life swirls around you,
wrapping you so tightly with new experiences that it squeezes the breath from you.
it leaves you winded
and excited.

I threw myself in the wrost situations last year looking for that feeling again
trying to mimick what I felt when I first met all of you.
but it's not the same,
and it's not to be searched for..



my life could be shattering down around me now.
and I'm looking back into my past?
how comical.
but, for some reason,
thinking about my past makes the future seem less terrifying.
possibly because I'm not even thinking about it.

I reap what I sow, I suppose.

the greenest of grass
from any summer past.

oh, i'm anxiously awaiting it.
I want to run on the itchy grass
and be amazed by the striking whiteness of clouds against the vast, blue sky.
I love the sky.

it's really almost like a type of being with its own personality.
it changes its expression depending on its mood.
from the pink and red hues to the purple and navy.

it's beautiful.

i must be kind of weird for thinking about how beautiful the sky is.
but I appreciate it.
and I love how the clouds look like giant cotton balls that were stretched and thrown into the air.
and decided just to hang there and swim back and forth
perpetually.

I hope there's never a point in my life where I take things like this for granted.
so many people do.
they don't recognize the lush, lively green anymore.
it's something rarely even acknowledged.
or the warmness of the sun.
and the brightness of the sky.

I feel like someone that's been kept in a dark room for so long
now that I can finally go outside,
I'm extraordinarily thankful.

I've been in such a bad place for a tremendously large portion of this year.
but things are finally good again.
the sky is blue and the grass is green and the clouds have somehow managed to keep on floating.
and in a way so have I.

there's not much more that can be asked for.
i'm alive and so are the people I love
I've accomplished everything I've had to.
there's finally a quiet
a calming reassurance that I am going to make it.
that life really is going to be okay

and I'm renewed.
and I'm happy.
I just feel so warm.
so good.

I once loved the brisk, rigid cold that could numb your fingertips.
it was always so sharp and distinct
but the cold eroded me down.
rather than excite me.
I was overdue for the sunshine.
for my yellow.
ah, yellow.
bright, happy, warm yellow.

I learned how to appreciate life last year.
but I forgot how to with all the cruelties that happened to me throughout this year
all the hardships and the struggles.
but looking back,
I should've recognized the necessity for appreciation even then.
because the sky is blue and the grass is green and I am still alive..

I love everyone in my life,
and I love the things that can never, ever be taken from me.
even if all that happens to be is my name and my memories.
but god, am I grateful.
I've had so many wonderful experiences.
and met so many wonderful people.


ah, the sky is blue and the grass if green.
and I am alive and happy.





love anything.
it'll be worth it in the end.

empowerment is an interesting thing.
and it strikes at the most unexpected times.
sometimes you have to be kicked to the lowest point
before you can realize just how strong you really can be.

my senior prom night was spent being breathalyzed three times.
riding in the back of a cop car.
and sitting on a metal bench in a detainment cell.
thus far, lowest point of my entire life.
thankfully, I was innocent.
but still.
you don't know weak until you're beating on the back of a cop car window
screaming for your mommy.

I made prom court.
I was pretty elated.
I felt like I was sticking it to all the people who had tried so hard to bring me down this year.
I felt like karma had come full circle and was smiting the people that deserved it.
oh, how quickly we do assume things.

another joy of living in a small town is,
people knew I was sitting in the back of that cop car before I did.
and they were all talking about it when I was suppose to be going to prom.
of course I was pretty distraught.
jesus christ.
I live in the bible belt.
most adults living here dont even drink,
but for a teenager to?
they should be burned!

I wasn't really drinking.
so I blew .000
but I was crying because I knew what people would say.
I knew MY night to stick it to the big man
was ruined.
Jolene looked at me when I was crying and yelled at me to stop and that I was a jessup.
I stopped crying.
it reminded me of when Rhett Butler dropped Scarlett off at the funeral after he dressed her into looking outlandish and snoody.
she held her head high and still walked in.

This is when you realize the true meaning of empowerment.
when you've reached the point where you don't think you can even show your face.
you remember who you are.

pretty powerful.

I'm fine now.
I also remembered a quote from gone with the wind
"with enough courage, you can do without a reputation" - Rhett Butler

I don't care what people say about me.
that can't change who I am.
only I choose that.

anyways,
that was a pretty traumatic experience.
I thought it was worth documenting.

I've made it to spring break.
my last high school spring break, ever.
how crazy.
and wonderful.

I feel kind of sick though.
and tired.
I feel like I have so much more to say
but I can't mold it into words.
and force it into this little box.

I want to do something.
I want to BE something.

the whole time I was in the back of that cop car I was thinking about my future
and how incredibly important it is to me
get a good education
make something of yourself.
make something GREAT out of yourself.
I was so absolutely terrified my dreams of professional school were going to be crushed.
that was the main reason I was crying.
I don't want to be something that's handed to me.
I want to be something that I've worked hard for.
earned by my own sweat and brain capacity.
I want a great life.
and a great job.
and a great family.
where I can live greatly.

these are my goals and being in that cop car showed me just how something so minor can strip any hopes of those goals being met away.
I feel freshly motivated to be the absolute best I can be.
why settle for something mediocre because it is easy?
just because you can have financial stability in a circumstance doesn't mean you should cut your potential short.

I've always been independent.
and I plan on staying that way.
no more even chance mishaps are going to happen to me.
I'm sticking to what I want.
and to what I have to do to get it.

someone a long time ago told me I reminded them of Scarlett O'hara.
spoiled, headstrong, and determined.
I think I can handle that, though.
in fact, I even think of it as a good thing now.
all we are guaranteed in this life is the dirt below our feet
and the fire kindled in our heart.

and sometimes,
even that has to be fought for.

blah blah blah blah.
blogging is pointless and slightly ridiculous.
verbal vomit.
I don't know why I do it;
even on occasion.


nothings really wrong.
I guess I'm just malcontent.
a grumbler.

I don't know why I'm doing this.
or anything
I'm bored with pressures and decisions.
They're not even something I care about anymore.
it's just something I'm now tired with.

stuck in reverse.

Life as I've known for the past 17 years is almost over
is it odd that when I wake up in the morning I think about how quickly times passing?
I'm not even old yet.

It's just small pangs of awareness.
creeping up into my conscious every once in a while.
I miss being young and having what seemed like an infinity to plan my life.

everything's happening too fast.

I miss people who use to be in my life.
I miss how I use to be.

I just push through for the moment now.
meeting deadlines and barely making it by.
going through all the motions in all the things I'm meant to.
success.
sometimes the monotony feels like failure.
I'm so bored with the common place and the routine.
escape.
that's what I'd like.

not a vacation
or some sort of temporary fix.
something new and different.
an adventure.
I'm so restless.
I guess that's why I've always been partial to Modest Mouse.
the lyrics embody the restlessness.

We've tried everything half assed and as liars and thats how we've got everything
If we carried it out to sea pushed it over the edge we could have all been through
Well no one even bothered showin' up but we still did what we should have thought through
We crashed in like waves into the stars Didn't want it didn't need it but we knew that we
Could see it so we opened up the door
We receded like waves out of the stars

when im stuck in the same routine I feel trapped.
and smothered and icky and bored.
sometimes I create issues for myself.
I don't know why I do this.

47 days left.
am I really ready for this?
the end.
I've been counting down since 150 so I suppose I should be.
get this shit over with.
but will I miss it?
I miss everything, so probably.

I'm rambling and have nothing of any real importance to say.
at all.
blogging is still stupid.
I still don't know why I do it.
I guess its just a place to get the crap out of my head.
well, I have calc to do.
adios.

hmm,
I don't really know how I should feel now that I know there's a chance what I'm writing is going to be read.

oh well,
I'm just going to ignore it for the most part.
or try to.

Sometimes I think it would be cool if people could draw or paint or somehow express whats going on in their brain.
not like the lightning bolts or of the transfer of blood.
but the thoughts.
just rummaging around and bumping around the sides trying to get in order.
itd be pretty neat.

I have all these concepts.
but never any actions.
I like to think that'd be different if I had more free time.

67 more days.
ah, the finish line of this horrible year is almost in sight.
I've never wanted to wish away a portion of my life so vehemently.
every single second of my life use to hold meaning.
but this year I just wanted it to pass by as quickly as possible.
I'm ready for change.

All my life ive gone through changes and phases.
I've always been working
and building.
trying to become..
something?
anything.

Its almost like a hobby of mine to keep destroying and recreating myself.


I just quit caring this year, though.
but what about next year?
what am I going to be.

my roomie was talking about the public radio station at uga.
I think it'd be pretty neat if I could do that.
but that pretty much would assign me to the indie kid category, wouldn't it?

does it matter?
I dont know.
probably not.

I don't actually have anything on my mind worth posting right now.
and I'm still having to get past the whole someone reading this thing.

I wish my jaw would stop popping.
im wearing my retainer.
ive worn it the past like.. 3 days.
but everytime I open my mouth.
pop.

ah, fuck my life.
if I have to get braces I'm going to be miserable.
I'm about to graduate high school and enter into the new world of college.
I'm suppose to be looking GOOD.
but no.
im going to be brace face pt. 2

thank you, Dr. Spillers for ruining my life!

I was reading through some other people's blogs.
its trendy to blog again.
I think its almost half way funny how people try to pull meaning to write about in the most insignificant things.

a tv show?
really?
especially one that come on TBS.
Some trends just irk me I spose.

I want some sort of stimulation.
something inspiring.
something different.
anything.

im bored of eastman and homework and research papers.
studying and stressing and struggling.

I want free time and freedom and laziness.
where I can surf the web for music
and do random things.

my time is so constructed now.
so scheduled.

I'm bored with a schedule.

67 more days.

I almost wish I were going to an easy college where I'd just get to enjoy things
better myself.
but I worked too hard in high school for that.
and I want a good job on my own.
no help from jolene.


eh, I think I'm going to try to force myself to do real work now.
at least I wrote something.
maybe I should make a public blog.
idk,

btw.
hello, brent. lol.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Nerudo.

I read this along time ago,
Anna had a whole book of his poems I think.

I don't really have time to sit here
and pour out all the thoughts in my head.
but I have to.

There's always a spasm of fear when you hear someone been in an accident.
you think oh god,
this is it.
theyre done for.

and you get so worked up while thinking about
start thinking of the ways you're going to have to learn to cope
that when you see that they're perfectly okay,
you don't know how to come off the pessimistic high
perhaps I should say low?

Uncle Robert tripped at the bank and landed face first.
at first read that sounds kind of funny
but when you get a phone call saying
"there's been an accident"
you rush to conclusions.
you worry.

I'm not really close to him,
but I was afraid.
hes broken his nose, his jaw, and some ribs

I went to Granny's house today with mom to help her let out Paco..
her house still smells the same.
it still looked the same..
how can it still maintain that sort of normalcy
when she herself has been tortured
and gone
for over 2 weeks now..

I looked at all the pictures and nothings been moved.
its just like how she left it.
I had this unnerving urge to go into the back part of the house
and to touch the keys of the piano I havent touched in years.

I went a played.
like I use to.
I just banged on it
and felt it
and I wanted to cry.
because I missed her sitting in the room with me
telling me "oooh, you play so good"

she looked me in the eye yesterday at the hospital and said
"you're Granny's little Angel."
and I laughed..
and then she said
"I'm going to get better, Granny's going to get better"
but I felt like she was saying it maybe more to herself.
or maybe even to reassure me?

I told mom that I wasn't stressed out.
but maybe I am..
on a more inner emotional level
I love my Grandma.
I love all the people in my life so much..
I appreciate them.
and respect them.
and love them.
I never want to lose anyone
because they mean so unimaginably much to me.
unfathomably much.

I've been having serious dizzy spells.
and nausea.
is it stress?
diabetes?
brain tumor?
whats wrong with me.

whats wrong with my life.
I want to escape.

no, I want to fix everything,
to how it was.
before everything crumbled
so strikingly heavy upon me.

I feel myself spiraling into a place I havent been before.
a new level of awareness
and with that sadness.

it blows.
i have to study anatomy and read more metamorphosis and shower.

there's always a calm before a storm.
an unsettling peace.
hot and humid and worrisome.

I've got to stay on top of things.
cant lose focus.
"you've got to think,
you won't ever make it at UGA."

think, think, think.
hahah, Like the little blue engine.

I dunno. I'm slacking.
and slipping.
im not at ease.
but nothing else is going wrong right now.

for the moment.
temporarily.
circumstantially.

things always go wrong.
especially this year.
Is it wrong of me not to trust blindly?
part of me feels guilty for not always trusting or believing.
I don't really have a reason not to.
except for my gut.

and its saying be careful.
pay attention.
dont let your heart lead your brain astray.
its not so hard to screw someone over.
ive done it countless times.

the hard part is owning up to it.

I don't know if I would collapse and be hurt so much this time
if I did get hurt.
I think I would be more vindictive.
I've been cheated on and abused in some form in every single relationship.
quite frankly, its high time someone got some pay back.

look at me already jumping to conclusions.
I dunno.
I was right about things not being completely resolved with her.
hah,
you can't just eat the words you spoke and hope they disappear.
nope.
they're said.
and they're there.
loud and proud and screaming for acknowledgment.

but for now they've been postponed.

I don't really care.
yes I do.
it pisses me off.
and it hurts me.
and it makes me not know what to do.

how do you react to that?

"im not really over my ex girlfriend.."

what.

no really..
what?

hahaha. god, I find myself in some pretty fucked up situations.
what a year.

there's nothing that could make this year any worse.
well, thats not true.
I guess I could lose the one thing I have left.
tennis.

I feel like fucking Kate O'Hara from gone with the wind.
but instead of my dad saying "The land, Katie. The Land!"
he's saying "The tennis, Callen.. The tennis!"

like what am I suppose to do with that? haha
Imperfections swallow me whole.
I choke.
I've lost a lot of self-confidence through this year.
pretty crummy.

and tennis is so mental.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of losing the one thing I have left.
the one thing I feed off of.
being stripped and broken right in front of me.

it probably will.
fuck im so cynical.
and morose.

people who read this blog must think I'm some conflicted self-absorbed depressive teenager.
if you met me I don't think you'd think that.

I'd hope not.

I should read.
I should study.
think, think, think.

focus.

shit, I've lost my focus.
I don't care anymore.